Kudos to you and your wife for supporting your son. I was forced to be confirmed (well, shamed and bribed into going through with it) when I knew perfectly well I would not remain with that church for the rest of my life, and I haven't. When I was a priest in the Episcopal church I used to tell my congregation that no one should be confirmed under the age of 30. The prayer book says confirmation is a "mature, adult affirmation of one's faith." I don't know many 14-year-olds who meet that criteria.
Wish my dad had been that approachable! I was raised Catholic and it didn’t even occur to me to not be confirmed b/c I knew what his response would be. I loved God but was unsure about the “institution”
So now having tried out nearly every denomination, and spending years in some of them, I’m finally settling in to ask the questions I needed to as a teenager. Better late than never, eh? My faith in God is strong. It’s the doctrines I struggle with.
I’m a preacher’s kid and if you had forced him I really believe that would have done deep damage, thanks for not pressuring him. I’ve had grief when my kids have done similar but now I see them as my most important teachers.
You and your wife have handled Luke's decision beautifully. I'm a product of a church that when a teen turned 14, it was time to be baptized. We had some lessons, asked questions about our believes, and it was a done deal. I did believe in God and in Jesus but knew nothing about Holy Spirit nor did I have faith. At age 40, I got baptized - believers baptism, knowing, this time, that God had sought me, found me waiting, and filled with childlike longing faith.
Luke is so blessed to have parents who have no expectations of him that are not his desires. Your grace and God's will be enough.
Had a pastor friend respond to me with true acceptance and inclusivity recently, and the impact of it is more profound than *anything* I heard or saw in decades of white evangelical church culture. Love and shame/fear both have a powerful impact, but Love is a gardener, tending to Life with grace and dignity, whether it seems in bloom or not. The other continues to create an unmeetable demand for spiritual body bags.
Grateful for the ones who understand that real love doesn't need weapons. 🌻
I had a similar conversation with my nephew, who identifies as agnostic. The sting for a moment was real when he told me, but I admire his honesty. He says he doesn’t want to follow with blind faith. I told him I don’t want that for him either, that I want a full authentic faith for him, but that if he can’t come to true faith, I will always honor his intellectual integrity and am there for him no matter what.
Thank you for this! My kids are 15 and 13 and still figuring many things out. Even though I have such high regard for authenticity and critical thinking skills, I recognize the grief and tension in myself at times too. But I’ve seen way too many times how fear can drive faith-fear of hell, punishment, excommunication, imperfection, uncertainty, you name it. I don’t want my kids to have to go through untangling fear from faith like I did. Parenting teens is hard, period. Also lovely. But mainly hard.
I can relate so strongly to this. I was raised Roman Catholic so of course I was confirmed (at much too young an age to understand what I was doing). And even then, I knew I was faking it. To this day, the only thing I remember about that day is that it was the first time I ever wore a garter belt to hold up fishnet stockings!
I totally get where you’re coming from with Luke. We have two amazing, young adult children, who were raised in a loving Christian community, but both have taken big steps away from Christianity. It’s hard, but they are God’s children, as well as ours. I pray they come back to faith.
My sons are in their late 40s, but oh, I remember 14. My reward for not shoving them into my version of faith is the conversations we continue to have about matters of faith and values. May you have the same.
What a pivotal age and time in the father - son relationship, and knowing you are there for Luke ‘no matter what’ is a tremendous gift for you both! Way to go Luke for having the courage to be YOU! Whatever that looks like now, or 20 years from now, Luke knows he has a ‘safe place’ in a father who graciously loves him unconditionally! That is HUGE!
Thanks for this. My son is 25 and is doing well with a great job and fun things to do outside of work. He was very active in church in middle school but now considers everything church and theology related to be boring. We talk often, and occasionally I remind him to not forget about the God who will never forget him.
It's so important to let kids claim their faith for themselves. Too many times, they feel forced into faith by their families, and that's a weak foundation. Good for your son for reflecting so deeply on who he is and what he believes.
That note you received made me cry! I'm saddened for this person, and all people, who feel that they aren't welcome in faith communities. I'm glad this person recognizes that it isn't Jesus who doesn't welcome. And I'm glad that there are pastors like you out there who understand that we need to reflect Jesus to those around us.
Kudos to you and your wife for supporting your son. I was forced to be confirmed (well, shamed and bribed into going through with it) when I knew perfectly well I would not remain with that church for the rest of my life, and I haven't. When I was a priest in the Episcopal church I used to tell my congregation that no one should be confirmed under the age of 30. The prayer book says confirmation is a "mature, adult affirmation of one's faith." I don't know many 14-year-olds who meet that criteria.
Wish my dad had been that approachable! I was raised Catholic and it didn’t even occur to me to not be confirmed b/c I knew what his response would be. I loved God but was unsure about the “institution”
So now having tried out nearly every denomination, and spending years in some of them, I’m finally settling in to ask the questions I needed to as a teenager. Better late than never, eh? My faith in God is strong. It’s the doctrines I struggle with.
I’m a preacher’s kid and if you had forced him I really believe that would have done deep damage, thanks for not pressuring him. I’ve had grief when my kids have done similar but now I see them as my most important teachers.
You and your wife have handled Luke's decision beautifully. I'm a product of a church that when a teen turned 14, it was time to be baptized. We had some lessons, asked questions about our believes, and it was a done deal. I did believe in God and in Jesus but knew nothing about Holy Spirit nor did I have faith. At age 40, I got baptized - believers baptism, knowing, this time, that God had sought me, found me waiting, and filled with childlike longing faith.
Luke is so blessed to have parents who have no expectations of him that are not his desires. Your grace and God's will be enough.
Had a pastor friend respond to me with true acceptance and inclusivity recently, and the impact of it is more profound than *anything* I heard or saw in decades of white evangelical church culture. Love and shame/fear both have a powerful impact, but Love is a gardener, tending to Life with grace and dignity, whether it seems in bloom or not. The other continues to create an unmeetable demand for spiritual body bags.
Grateful for the ones who understand that real love doesn't need weapons. 🌻
I had a similar conversation with my nephew, who identifies as agnostic. The sting for a moment was real when he told me, but I admire his honesty. He says he doesn’t want to follow with blind faith. I told him I don’t want that for him either, that I want a full authentic faith for him, but that if he can’t come to true faith, I will always honor his intellectual integrity and am there for him no matter what.
That moment, letting lump in your throat feel the grief - that moment your son felt the love of Jesus. Well done dad 🙏🏽
Thank you for this! My kids are 15 and 13 and still figuring many things out. Even though I have such high regard for authenticity and critical thinking skills, I recognize the grief and tension in myself at times too. But I’ve seen way too many times how fear can drive faith-fear of hell, punishment, excommunication, imperfection, uncertainty, you name it. I don’t want my kids to have to go through untangling fear from faith like I did. Parenting teens is hard, period. Also lovely. But mainly hard.
I keep telling myself that God loves my kids more and better than I can, and he can handle their doubts
one of the most amazing books on s church becoming affirming is Sanctuary by Adey and Tom Wassink.
I can relate so strongly to this. I was raised Roman Catholic so of course I was confirmed (at much too young an age to understand what I was doing). And even then, I knew I was faking it. To this day, the only thing I remember about that day is that it was the first time I ever wore a garter belt to hold up fishnet stockings!
I totally get where you’re coming from with Luke. We have two amazing, young adult children, who were raised in a loving Christian community, but both have taken big steps away from Christianity. It’s hard, but they are God’s children, as well as ours. I pray they come back to faith.
My sons are in their late 40s, but oh, I remember 14. My reward for not shoving them into my version of faith is the conversations we continue to have about matters of faith and values. May you have the same.
What a pivotal age and time in the father - son relationship, and knowing you are there for Luke ‘no matter what’ is a tremendous gift for you both! Way to go Luke for having the courage to be YOU! Whatever that looks like now, or 20 years from now, Luke knows he has a ‘safe place’ in a father who graciously loves him unconditionally! That is HUGE!
Thanks for this. My son is 25 and is doing well with a great job and fun things to do outside of work. He was very active in church in middle school but now considers everything church and theology related to be boring. We talk often, and occasionally I remind him to not forget about the God who will never forget him.
It's so important to let kids claim their faith for themselves. Too many times, they feel forced into faith by their families, and that's a weak foundation. Good for your son for reflecting so deeply on who he is and what he believes.
That note you received made me cry! I'm saddened for this person, and all people, who feel that they aren't welcome in faith communities. I'm glad this person recognizes that it isn't Jesus who doesn't welcome. And I'm glad that there are pastors like you out there who understand that we need to reflect Jesus to those around us.