I wrestle with these same questions every single day. Sometimes I feel like I’m loosing my faith. Sometimes I feel like God can handle my questions and isn’t threatened by them, other times I feel like he is distant because of my doubts. I’ve had people tell me I’m not a Christian and that my true god is myself because of my pride, all because I don’t take the Bible at face value anymore and because I’ve questioned it. I’m glad I’m not the only one has been through this because it is deeply painful and feels hopeless sometimes. I appreciate your writing more than you know. Thank you, friend.
Thanks, Camille! I've always told people that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. If doubt were not part of the human experience, faith wouldn't be necessary.
Camille, I often feel like you've described-it seems nuts! Though I've come to think of it like this: In the story of Thomas after Easter, he doubts and will not believe until he touches the scars of Jesus. What cheers me is that Jesus disnt shame him or say I told you so or condemn him at all. God did not smite him. Yikes! Jesus simply offered himself up. So I figure I have time and grace until we meet. I haven't ever read in The Bible that one has to get it all done before Jesus gets here again or even before death. So I've relaxed and I find I have more faith more of the time than not.
Excellent essay by Jason. I can identify with his struggle with and eventual abandonment of the church. As a teenager, I left the Episcopal church and all religion in the late ‘60’s/ early ‘70’s. It was the slow leak process described by Jason.
Social commentary, politics, biographies, and history became my primary reading material and my educational source to help answer:
What is good?
What is evil?
From where do they originate?
In what forms/actions do they manifest?
How do the world’s religions exacerbate or neutralize good & evil?
Is suffering the only consequence of evil actions that actually grabs the attention of humankind and motivate us to act (hopefully) for good?
I began to formulate a belief in a Universe that always attempts to achieve balance.
About 6 or 7 years ago, I began reading Buddhist writings and authors I was fascinated! The basic tenets felt familiar and logical. I found His Holiness, the XIV Dalai Lama, a prolific writer and believer in both science and Buddhism, to be the example of a thoughtful and progressive religious leader. Karma made sense. I still read Buddhist-themed writings.
Against what I would say were all the odds, Buddhism actually lead me to dip my toe into the Episcopal waters again. I had certainly changed over my 50 year absence & I was pleasantly surprised to find the Episcopal church had also. It had become more Progressive, welcoming, and is finally emphasizing a focus on the teachings and actions of Jesus.
Reconciliation rather than judgement. *
A model for living rather than an object for worship. *
And while we may never be perfect, walking and living our lives following The Way may be enough for right now.
(* See Philip Gulley, “If The Church Were Christian”)
I can appreciate this, DJ. As an agnostic, I find myself drawn to multiple elements of Buddhism (which doesn't have a supreme deity) as well as parts of Taoism and the nature-appreciation of Shinto. There's something of value, I believe, in most every religious tradition. (And I still truly love the teachings of Jesus.)
We should never stop searching, listening, or asking questions. I wish a meaningful and enlightening journey going forward for both of us and our fellow theological/ universal Travelers.
Thanks for sharing Jason. My “list” is very similar and I’ve (at times) found it hard to trust Christians who don’t have some sort of a list like this. A “certain” faith feels dubious and shallow to me. (Not saying it *is,* but *feels* that way to me and has since I hit adolescence.) Yet as I age I also feel the few things I ‘know’ of God seem more true than ever: God’s withness, God’s ability to create something from nothing, God’s kindness. I suppose I see those with a sort of certainty and yet must admit they cannot truly be certainties either. My faith now rests on far fewer precepts than it once did and yet it feels sturdier. I’m grateful for this. I’ve settled that I may be misunderstood related to some of where I’ve landed but am okay with that now. Perhaps similar to you I’ve determined I don’t have anything to prove to others about the sincerity of my faith, even if it does not fit neatly within their boxes. As one who spent most of my adult life in vocational ministry and leadership this has cost me at times. But the cost feels small in comparison with the personal cost of ignoring my convictions or relating to God as my actual self (as opposed to some idealized self).
Have you read Renovated by neurotheologian Jim Wilder? He draws on the end-of-life work of Dallas Willard and posits that salvation is more about who you love than what you believe. I found this idea liberating. Have included it in a chapter of my recently released book which is for people navigating the liminality that follows in the aftermath of a major crisis or life/identify/spiritual shift. I hope more people can encounter a more spacious faith as they seek to find God both inside and outside of scripture.
This resonates. Sometimes what feels like losing your faith is actually the painful process of losing what was never sturdy enough to save you in the first place.
Thank you for sharing this “testimony” about the importance of taking our questions seriously and trusting ourselves and ultimate reality sufficiently to let them take us where they will.
Unconditional love always finds a way to bring us home, even if the road can often be very long and sometimes lonely.
Kinda wild how good the Baptists were at making thinkers they now don’t know what to do with! 😂 I’m finding a similar situation but in the charismatic nondenom. Trusting that voice they called Holy Spirit has had some unintended results, I think. But, wow, do I resonate with the peace you describe on this side of it.
Hi, Felicity! Long time. Yes, it's funny what happens when you advocate for testing everything against God's truth. Then you make absolute claims that are pretty easily dispelled. I started using the tools (and intense study habits) my tradition gave me, and that had consequences.
That monkey-trap image is brutal because it names the whole thing. So much of deconstruction is not rebellion. It’s finally unclenching around answers that never held. The church said “seek truth,” then panicked when someone actually did. Blessed are the ones who stopped calling intellectual honesty a spiritual failure and let their own hand open.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I've struggled with many of the same questions you've had. I don't have the answers, but I do know my life is fuller because of my faith. And I believe that God is big enough to handle my questions.
I know some of my theology has changed over the years, but I haven't deconstructed. Mostly I feel sad for those people who think they have all the answers. A god that our little brains can fully understand doesn't seem like the God of the universe.
This hits home so much for me. I’ve had so many of these questions and was “blessed” with a church who treated me like a heretic for even asking.
Still not sure where my faith goes from here but I’m sure what I had growing up wasn’t it. Sometimes I feel like they taught us to follow a Jesus they didn’t actually believe in.
Beau, thank you so much for sharing Jason's post. These are relevant questions that we've all asked ourselves and God and I appreciate his honesty. I'd like to add a question to his list. I grew up in a traditional Christian church and was told "once saved, always saved". Even if we choose to opt out or backslide. Is our salvation permanent, or conditional and temporary, dependent upon our actions? What are your thoughts?
May we all become atheists of the American Evangelical God. It turns out learning, thinking, and believing like Christianity began with Calvin gives us a rootless, inch-deep faith system, lacking in healthy spiritual formation that is collapsing for so many. And I say, let it burn to the ground.
It's the Eastern and early Christians that were pacifists, believed in universal restoration, and didn't believe in literal biblical interpretation or original sin. Researching for my dessert elders book reinforced to me what I have known deep down and stated for years: GOD IS NOT A CHRISTIAN ❤️
Some of the many things I like about the Orthodox Church:
"eternal torment in hell" isn't dogma like it is in the Roman Catholic church and in most Protestant churches
Penal Substitutionary Atonement is absolutely rejected
Important dogma such as the real presence of Christ's body and Blood in the Eucharist is firmly believed but no attempt to "explain" HOW that is the case is made - it remains a mystery since Orthodoxy recognizes that God is beyond Man's total knowledge and He must be so
Worship is very much God-centered and demands our involvement, rather than being "seeker friendly" or "family friendly"
I wrestle with these same questions every single day. Sometimes I feel like I’m loosing my faith. Sometimes I feel like God can handle my questions and isn’t threatened by them, other times I feel like he is distant because of my doubts. I’ve had people tell me I’m not a Christian and that my true god is myself because of my pride, all because I don’t take the Bible at face value anymore and because I’ve questioned it. I’m glad I’m not the only one has been through this because it is deeply painful and feels hopeless sometimes. I appreciate your writing more than you know. Thank you, friend.
Thanks, Camille! I've always told people that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. If doubt were not part of the human experience, faith wouldn't be necessary.
AMEN! This is something I have come to realize as well.
Camille, I often feel like you've described-it seems nuts! Though I've come to think of it like this: In the story of Thomas after Easter, he doubts and will not believe until he touches the scars of Jesus. What cheers me is that Jesus disnt shame him or say I told you so or condemn him at all. God did not smite him. Yikes! Jesus simply offered himself up. So I figure I have time and grace until we meet. I haven't ever read in The Bible that one has to get it all done before Jesus gets here again or even before death. So I've relaxed and I find I have more faith more of the time than not.
Thank you for your kind comment. I love the Thomas story. I can't stand how so many people condemn him for doubting even though Jesus never did.
Excellent essay by Jason. I can identify with his struggle with and eventual abandonment of the church. As a teenager, I left the Episcopal church and all religion in the late ‘60’s/ early ‘70’s. It was the slow leak process described by Jason.
Social commentary, politics, biographies, and history became my primary reading material and my educational source to help answer:
What is good?
What is evil?
From where do they originate?
In what forms/actions do they manifest?
How do the world’s religions exacerbate or neutralize good & evil?
Is suffering the only consequence of evil actions that actually grabs the attention of humankind and motivate us to act (hopefully) for good?
I began to formulate a belief in a Universe that always attempts to achieve balance.
About 6 or 7 years ago, I began reading Buddhist writings and authors I was fascinated! The basic tenets felt familiar and logical. I found His Holiness, the XIV Dalai Lama, a prolific writer and believer in both science and Buddhism, to be the example of a thoughtful and progressive religious leader. Karma made sense. I still read Buddhist-themed writings.
Against what I would say were all the odds, Buddhism actually lead me to dip my toe into the Episcopal waters again. I had certainly changed over my 50 year absence & I was pleasantly surprised to find the Episcopal church had also. It had become more Progressive, welcoming, and is finally emphasizing a focus on the teachings and actions of Jesus.
Reconciliation rather than judgement. *
A model for living rather than an object for worship. *
And while we may never be perfect, walking and living our lives following The Way may be enough for right now.
(* See Philip Gulley, “If The Church Were Christian”)
I can appreciate this, DJ. As an agnostic, I find myself drawn to multiple elements of Buddhism (which doesn't have a supreme deity) as well as parts of Taoism and the nature-appreciation of Shinto. There's something of value, I believe, in most every religious tradition. (And I still truly love the teachings of Jesus.)
We should never stop searching, listening, or asking questions. I wish a meaningful and enlightening journey going forward for both of us and our fellow theological/ universal Travelers.
Thanks for sharing this thoughtful piece Beau.
Thanks for sharing Jason. My “list” is very similar and I’ve (at times) found it hard to trust Christians who don’t have some sort of a list like this. A “certain” faith feels dubious and shallow to me. (Not saying it *is,* but *feels* that way to me and has since I hit adolescence.) Yet as I age I also feel the few things I ‘know’ of God seem more true than ever: God’s withness, God’s ability to create something from nothing, God’s kindness. I suppose I see those with a sort of certainty and yet must admit they cannot truly be certainties either. My faith now rests on far fewer precepts than it once did and yet it feels sturdier. I’m grateful for this. I’ve settled that I may be misunderstood related to some of where I’ve landed but am okay with that now. Perhaps similar to you I’ve determined I don’t have anything to prove to others about the sincerity of my faith, even if it does not fit neatly within their boxes. As one who spent most of my adult life in vocational ministry and leadership this has cost me at times. But the cost feels small in comparison with the personal cost of ignoring my convictions or relating to God as my actual self (as opposed to some idealized self).
Have you read Renovated by neurotheologian Jim Wilder? He draws on the end-of-life work of Dallas Willard and posits that salvation is more about who you love than what you believe. I found this idea liberating. Have included it in a chapter of my recently released book which is for people navigating the liminality that follows in the aftermath of a major crisis or life/identify/spiritual shift. I hope more people can encounter a more spacious faith as they seek to find God both inside and outside of scripture.
This resonates. Sometimes what feels like losing your faith is actually the painful process of losing what was never sturdy enough to save you in the first place.
Thank you for sharing this “testimony” about the importance of taking our questions seriously and trusting ourselves and ultimate reality sufficiently to let them take us where they will.
Unconditional love always finds a way to bring us home, even if the road can often be very long and sometimes lonely.
Thanks for sharing.
Kinda wild how good the Baptists were at making thinkers they now don’t know what to do with! 😂 I’m finding a similar situation but in the charismatic nondenom. Trusting that voice they called Holy Spirit has had some unintended results, I think. But, wow, do I resonate with the peace you describe on this side of it.
Hi, Felicity! Long time. Yes, it's funny what happens when you advocate for testing everything against God's truth. Then you make absolute claims that are pretty easily dispelled. I started using the tools (and intense study habits) my tradition gave me, and that had consequences.
That monkey-trap image is brutal because it names the whole thing. So much of deconstruction is not rebellion. It’s finally unclenching around answers that never held. The church said “seek truth,” then panicked when someone actually did. Blessed are the ones who stopped calling intellectual honesty a spiritual failure and let their own hand open.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I've struggled with many of the same questions you've had. I don't have the answers, but I do know my life is fuller because of my faith. And I believe that God is big enough to handle my questions.
I know some of my theology has changed over the years, but I haven't deconstructed. Mostly I feel sad for those people who think they have all the answers. A god that our little brains can fully understand doesn't seem like the God of the universe.
I think MY life is fuller because of my former faith. It shaped me into who I am today, even though I have deconstructed.
This hits home so much for me. I’ve had so many of these questions and was “blessed” with a church who treated me like a heretic for even asking.
Still not sure where my faith goes from here but I’m sure what I had growing up wasn’t it. Sometimes I feel like they taught us to follow a Jesus they didn’t actually believe in.
Beau, thank you so much for sharing Jason's post. These are relevant questions that we've all asked ourselves and God and I appreciate his honesty. I'd like to add a question to his list. I grew up in a traditional Christian church and was told "once saved, always saved". Even if we choose to opt out or backslide. Is our salvation permanent, or conditional and temporary, dependent upon our actions? What are your thoughts?
wow- quite a read!
May we all become atheists of the American Evangelical God. It turns out learning, thinking, and believing like Christianity began with Calvin gives us a rootless, inch-deep faith system, lacking in healthy spiritual formation that is collapsing for so many. And I say, let it burn to the ground.
It's the Eastern and early Christians that were pacifists, believed in universal restoration, and didn't believe in literal biblical interpretation or original sin. Researching for my dessert elders book reinforced to me what I have known deep down and stated for years: GOD IS NOT A CHRISTIAN ❤️
Hi, Lisa! Long time. :)
It HAS BEEN!
I really enjoy your writing. 👏👏
Some of the many things I like about the Orthodox Church:
"eternal torment in hell" isn't dogma like it is in the Roman Catholic church and in most Protestant churches
Penal Substitutionary Atonement is absolutely rejected
Important dogma such as the real presence of Christ's body and Blood in the Eucharist is firmly believed but no attempt to "explain" HOW that is the case is made - it remains a mystery since Orthodoxy recognizes that God is beyond Man's total knowledge and He must be so
Worship is very much God-centered and demands our involvement, rather than being "seeker friendly" or "family friendly"